I've kinda ranted about my MIL several times in this blog. It's no secret that we don't get along. But this article sheds some light on the subject.... ok, it's not that enlightening, but it makes me feel like I'm not so alone in having to deal w/ psychoMILsis. Some excerpts:
After speaking with 163 people, Apter discovered that more than 60% of women felt that friction with their husband's mother had caused them long-term stress. Despite all the gags, only 15% of men complained that their mothers-in-law caused them headaches.
"From women of the older generation, there was a sense of being frozen out of the relationship," says Apter. "And from the younger generation, a sense of constant disapproval or intrusion." In Apter's study, two-thirds of women said they felt their mothers-in-law were jealous of their relationships with the sons, while two-thirds of mothers-in-law said they felt excluded by their sons' wives.
Apter's research... found that doubt is what drives any conflict between women and their mothers-in-law. "The root of the problem is vulnerability," says Apter. "The fear that the valuable relationship between mother and son is under threat as lives change. Mothers are left thinking, 'Will I still be valued for what I bring to the family?'"
I know that my MIL will totally agree with this article. She has said, on many occasions, to J, that she feels that I ignore her, that I don't engage her, nor include her. All of which is true. However, part of the reason that I don't include her is because of our un-ignorable history. We had such a dramatic falling out right after J and I were married, that it's hard to even be around her. I am of the opinion that it is better for us to be separate and civil, than together and killing each other.
The thing that grates me more about this article is the presumption, by the MILs and the writer of the article, that the relationship between parents and their child can be severely impaired by those around them. As for as I'm concerned, the relationship between a parent and his/her child is ENTIRELY at the control of that parent and that child. To blame the beleaguered spouse as causing a schism is disingenuous. If there is a threat to the relationship, I would suggest that the parent/child look within themselves first.
I know there are the extreme cases where a wife/husband uses undue pressure to prevent their spouse from engaging their parents/siblings. But I also know that this is soooo not the case in my situation. Let's put it this way: I've actually spent several Christmases without my husband and once, without my husband OR child, so that he/they could be with MIL. I know it's easier for me to be magnanimous in this regard this b/c of my own religious beliefs, but still! I have also bent over backwards to accommodate MIL's sometimes psychotic travel/visitation plans.
What's strange is how this article struck me, now as a mother myself. I will never be the MIL to a DIL (ok, never say never... but I mean, I have no sons, so will not have a traditional DIL). Even so, I fully expect my relationship with my daughters to change as they get older and more independent. I don't expect them to be my best friends. I don't even expect them to be my friends. I think, someday, they will leave the nest and never look back. And I will look forward to the occasional postcards of their life that they send me, which will hopefully remind me of what a awesome job it is to be a mother.
I imagine that my role as a mother, though, will largely be done. And my only job to be there to help them whenever they ask for it. Am I a freak for thinking this way?
More from the article:
Apter found that, in all the ethnic cultures included in her research and across the generations, child-rearing was one of the most constant and stressful sources of conflict between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. "If I don't see my grandkids as much as I want, if I don't think they're being cared for properly, if I don't think they're being raised in a way that is consistent with my beliefs of a good life," then trouble can ensue, says Apter. "Each family has its own set of norms that usually fade into the background of their lives, but tend to come to the foreground when two families merge."
This is only a vaguely interesting point to me, because of the mixed ethnicity nature of my marriage. But, surprisingly, MIL has not been hugely critical of my mothering, except the occasional snide remark about my working life, which is to be expected from a woman who very deeply regrets her own forgone career(s).
Kinda makes me sad to think that you think your daughters will grow up and "never look back." Maybe they will look back fondly! I don't expect to be my daughter's best friend, but I do hope that if she lives near us as a grownup she'll occasionally come over to hang out.
As for my son, I will bow to the woman who can someday tame him--and he's only five. Fortunately, my MIL is awesome, and she appears to like me. I think it's cuz 1) she beats me at Scrabble, and 2) I make her son laugh.
Posted by: dgm | December 08, 2008 at 03:33 PM
I have the mother in law from hell as well. All of the classic problems - jealousy, possessiveness, coupled with an abnormally honed mean streak and lots of manipulation. See my blog post of November 24 for me details. I'm with ya, sister.
Posted by: teahouseblossom | December 23, 2008 at 01:42 AM