WONKESS

Ho Ho Ho...

The shopping is done, sibling is back from the Far East, the feast is planned, (some of) the presents are wrapped.  We'll have church at midnight, frenzied unwrapping in the morn, and then a mid afternoon feast of roast beast.

Here's the menu:

Ginger butternut squash soup
Turkey (dry-brining now)
Cranberry sauce
Cherry-apple chutney
Pumpkin bread
Spinach gratin
Sauteed green beans
Pecan pie

Joy, Peace, Happiness and Prosperity to You and Yours this Holiday.

And now for something completely different...

Breastfeeding.

I'm not particularly vested in this Momosphere argument.  I breastfed both my daughters for 6 months each, far short of what the die-hard advocates advocate, but it was important enough for me to breastfeed that I did it though I was a full time law student living 2 hours away from school (for my oldest) and studying for the bar exam (for my youngest).

However, my mom, who had me in one of those "developing countries" that we hear about, raised me and my sister on formula.  I have no doubt that this was in part because of aggressive marketing on the part of formula makers.  During the late 60s/early 70s (and I believe even today), breastfeeding was perceived in Asia to be lower-class, and the ability to purchase formula a reflection of the upwardly mobile.  As the saying goes, I turned out Ok.

Then something struck me this morning.  Ultimately, my personal pro-breastfeeding beliefs are, on some level, marketing induced.  I have unscientific "feelings" about the benefits of breastfeeding, and the scientific facts I have are, well, let's just say I know what the track record is with things that are "scientific fact".  What I have been exposed to, since I'm most often surrounded by crunchy, tree-hugging hippies, is a lot of pro-breastfeeding research, enthusiasm from the la leche groups, and other forms of group-think.

But what I know is that breast-feeding, as a striving, sporatically ambitious woman, was a career liability for me.  It made my children constantly at the forefront of my thoughts, and made them manifestly at the forefront of my behavior.  I made it work, with difficulty, as I am sure thousands of mothers are making it work all around the country every day.  But there is no denying that breastfeeding changed my relationship with my "job," as I am sure it had similar impact on other breastfeeding moms.

So what if, just what IF, the reversion to breastfeeding-is-best is partly motivated by putting up just one more barrier between a woman and her chance at professional success?  What if, by making the striving, ambitious woman bear one more burden on her back, it becomes the one burdent that breaks her?

Happy (sic) Attorney...

(1) Loo's in kindergarten - yea!  She commutes - boo.  She loves her school - yea!  I have to get up at 6 in the morning (trust me, that's super early for me) to get her and her bento ready.

(2) Work is really weird.  It's like one day, we're in a recession and the next day, we're not.  I don't know if it's the firm that's schizophrenic, or our clients.

(3) I'm so aching mad about the lack of anyone doing anything about financial industry reform, I'm positively beside myself.  I know that most of my MOMocrat peeps are very involved in pushing health care reform, but, I basically think that without financial industry reform, whatever strides we make in health care reform will ultimately crash and burn when our economy/govt crashes and burns.

(4) I'm taking 4 credits of classes this semester.  4 friggin' credits!!  And because I'm a total doofus, what that translates to is that I totally ignore my emails toward the end of the summer, thereby not even noticing that classes have already begun, and *poof* I'm already like 2 weeks behind.

(5) More layoff buzz.  The firm actually didn't let anyone go this summer, but everyone suspects that they'll have to clear out some dead weight to make room for the new first years.  Even if I'm not personally stricken (though I suspect I will be, as I'm pretty much bottom rung in my group right now), I've pretty much had it with being a lawyer. 

(6) Seriously, happy attorneys?  What's your secret?  Can you share?  I'm dying here.

twitzilla

twitter has eaten my blog, ack!!!

It's ALIVE!!...

Vacations are weird.

Vacations to foreign countries are weird.

Vacations to hot foreign countries with two little aliens are really, really weird.

Things I completely missed because I was in Hot Chinese City with my two little pumpkins (sans childcare), in no particular order:

• Iran elections
• Governor Sanford's affair
• some stuff in Pakistan
• some stuff in Kyrgyzstan
• KKR's yes, we're going public, no, we're not going public weirdness
• some stuff about financial regulatory reform

Then we get home, and now I know more about Michael Jackson than I really ever cared to.  Not that I don't have my nostalgic MJ moments (I do.  He was my very first memory of pop awareness.), but srsly?

The trip to Hot Chinese City?  Phenomenal.  My sister, who was supposed to visit us from Nearby Chinese City kinda totally flaked, but only in so far as she decided to come back to the US half a week before we left, so we did at least get to see her before we left for Hot Chinese City. 

What did we do in Hot Chinese City?  Srsly?  We ate.  We literally had ginormous meals with friends and family for every single meal over the 10 days that we were in HCC.  We ate at old favorites, new introductions, local cuisine, not-so-local cuisine, street-side-stand cuisine.  It was a smorgasborg of food.  Because it was so hot, of a variety that the girls have never experienced in their short lives, we basically didn't un-jet-lag, and lived according to our meal clock.  The girls would sleep from midnight to 5 am, we'd wake up to go to the park, go to breakfast, do one quick morning sightsee, then lunch, then retreat out of the sun for a long afternoon siesta, wake for dinner, and then do some night sightseeing.

I could not have been happier with Loo and Kali's reaction to the city.  They had a blast of a time, and continue to talk about their trip with bright shiny eyes.  Their only complaints: the heat and the bugs.  Oh, poor Loo, with her incredible sensitivity to bug bites.  By the second half of the trip, her legs were absolutely swelling with bug bites which had blistered.  We kept lathering on the anti-itch, anti-inflammatory, antibiotic-filled medicine, but it was a slow healing process that hed her whimpering for many days.  And Kali had a "slight" gastrointestinal problem, no doubt influenced by the fact that we were eating far too much, far too often and foods that were far too rich for her 2.5 year old body.  On the other hand, now that we've returned to the US, we've had several people comment that Kali seems to have gotten thinner (or taller, or both, will have to check). 

Things are (sort of) back to normal now.  The girls are still slighly jet-lagged, which means they are up between 4-5 in the morning.  And they take enormous early afternoon naps.  I'm back at work, but this is a ridiculous week as half the attorneys are out on vacation.  J is back at his research.

Being back in Hot Chinese City was very jarring for me.  When we left, I was sure that I had closed that chapter of my life.  I'd lived in 3 Asian countries over 8 years, worked for local companies and large multi-nationals.  I had more frequent flier miles then I knew what to do with (I ended up donating them to LegalAid, rather than watching them expire).  But being back, after 8 years away, I was absolutely washed in nostalgia.  Life can be surprisingly "simple" there.  And fun.

J and I are seriously considering moving back.  Not in the near future, but pending how successful he is in his academic career.  We will know in 4 years if his current school intends to keep him on, and if it doesn't, Asia seems as good a next move as any.

It doesn't really mesh well with the direction I've taken as a lawyer, but... oh, well. 

Right now, I can't really worry about any of that, since I'm fairly consumed with my ongoing epic battle (?) w/r to getting Loo into kindergarten.

I'm a Free-Range Mom Too...

Cyn3matic (a fellow MOMocrat) has an amazing post about her life as a free-range mom, which explains her (continuing) decision to run an ad-free blog.  I'm far too insignificant a blogger to really consider carrying ads (even blogher ones) but it's also not something I could in good conscience do, because it runs against the way I want to live my life.

On a confessional level, I'm a pretty selfish person.  I know this about me.  I freely admit it.  My husband knows this weakness of mine, and he never fails to deploy it when we are engaged in one of our battles (what's that they say about hurting those you love?).  It is this selfishness, this absurd belief that *I* deserve more, am entitled to more, that led me to live a pretty absurd life in my 20s, despite many years of "pretending" to be a liberal, an environmentalist.

The closest analogy to my situation that I can think of?  Pretty much every politician on the planet (and the reason that I don't fundamentally trust politicians).  The incredible scandal that is happening in the UK right now:

At one level, the scandal is a rich tale of politicians exploiting a lax system of expenses to claim a mind-boggling array of benefits. The claims have centered on so-called second-home allowances, which have allowed some members of Parliament to use nearly $40,000 a year in taxpayers’ money to renovate and even sell properties for profit, while others have claimed monthly payments for mortgages that had already been paid off. Still others claimed “necessities” like the clearing of a country house moat, an electrical massage chair and even a Kit Kat bar.

The truth is, politicians make a fine living wage.  But relative to those they see as their peers: the entrepreneurs, the financiers, the lawyers and the doctors, they are relatively poor.  And while many do-gooders (and I place many politicians - yes, even the conservative ones - as a subset of the do-good population) have their hearts in the right place with regards to helping others, they are often less than honest when it comes to "helping" themselves.  The truth is, doing good comes at a price.  It feels desperately unfair, but that price is usually a commitment to never seeing financial rewards for the good that you do.

But we have forgotten what it means to sacrifice.  And back to my story, I'd forgotten what it means to sacrifice.  I was willing to fight for environmental issues but not willing to not have new shoes, new clothes, a great apartment, and a disposable life; even though my disposable life was a huge contributor to the very environmental problem that I was theoretically trying to solve.

These last few years have been emotionally exhausting for me.  I've realized that despite the fact that my family has been fast-tracking on the road to economic wealth, I've been inherently unhappy.  And the more money I made, the more unhappy I was.  But then as I started cutting back on stuff - we moved from a super large house in Bumfuckville to a much smaller house in Law School city, then to a teeny tiny apartment in our current metropolitan location, shedding stuff all the way - the more weight I felt lifting from my shoulders.  The more that I've been able to follow the personal finance world and cut back on expenses, the better I've felt about myself and about my preparedness for the future.  And, surprise surprise, the less stuff I've had, the less impact I was having on the environment.  It's just been a win-win-win for me.

I'm still not perfect - oh, SOOOOO far from it.  For example, Cyn3matic has made certain parenting choices that I really admire.  Specifically, she chose to use diaper-free elimination communication with her son, which takes a kind of dedication and time commitment that my other big life choices (namely, law school and a law career) didn't allow (yes, I was disposable-clog-the-landfill-diapers all the way).  But I made other decisions to live a lesser footprint lifestyle which I could fit into my larger life goals: I also made 90% of Loo and Kali's baby food from scratch; we have purchased exactly one piece of kiddie furniture (a crib) and everything else has been 2nd hand converted adult furniture (including, remember, mattress on the floor?); we use the library religiously; we buy organic when it's available.

It's still hard.  It's hard not to covet the wardrobe, the fancy vacations, the jewelry, the newest electronic toys.  I can still taste the buzz that comes right after I purchase something shiny and new.  But it's getting easier, over time. 

This is really a roundabout way to get where I was going but here it is:

(1) I can't flog things on this blog because I can't ask anyone out there to want things.  I just can't.
(2) It is entirely too attractive to get things for FREE!  I still don't have the will power to resist the lure of getting, owning, having.  So I need to remove myself from the temptation.
(3) Srsly?  I write about economics and personal finance.  Who the hell would want me to shill their product anyways (except, maybe, Suze Orman?  Oh, Suze, yee of wondrous white teeth...  I'd happily shill for you for no charge though, *call me*).

Want to hear more?  Well, this guy (Jack from Voluntary Simplicity), has got it goin' ON.  If I weren't married w/ kids, that's what I'd do.  Rock on, Jack.

Mother's Day, Whatever...

I am not a big holiday person.  The Buddhists don't have many holidays, and the Chinese mostly have agricultural-based holidays (planting, harvest, winter solstice festivals) which were (obviously) not on the calendar I knew as a child growing up in the US.  So I grew up in a largely holiday-free zone.

As an adult, my nonchalance towards holidays has served me well.  I feel no guilt (and my mother foists no guilt upon me) if I can't make it home for Christmas or New Years or the 4th of July.  I rarely gift or am gifted by my immediate family.  As a family, we have even extended our holiday-free mentality to cover birthdays.  A birthday is considered feted if it involves a mylar balloon and a cupcake.

But clearly, as I've become a mother, things have changed.  Partly because holidays are an important part of my husband's life.  His family goes absolutely defcon one over holiday logistics.  They exercise an excruciating calculus of "how much time does each (grown) son spend with each divorced parent" with a holiday weighted point system (with Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, and each parent's birthday getting extremely high points, obviously).  And partly because even heathen I believe in the sanctity of the child's belief in holiday magic.

But mother's day is doubly strange to me.  It's a holiday for (presumedly) me, so there is no holiday magic to be preserved for my daughters (outside of the requisite mother's day homemade gift, which Loo did this year for the first time in pre-K, and which was adorable).  And I seriously don't care.  So for the time being, J and I have turned mother's day more into grandmother's day, and we took our mothers out (jointly) this weekend for a "fancy" meal, and so that they could spend some time with their granddaughters.

But there was no breakfast in bed, no flowers and gifts, no night out for me.

Though I did mention to J that my ideal (this year) would have been the freedom to go watch the new Star Trek movie.  Two guesses whether my wish got fulfilled or not.

Nonlinear girl took this series of mother's day questions from the Motherlode blog.  They intrigued me (from an archivist POV) so I thought I would indulge on this not-so-busy Monday-after-Mother's Day.  As Nonlinear Girl did, I am answering these as I might to my daughters (or to my own mother).  I've also deleted some for lack of present relevance.

1.    What’s the one thing you would have done differently as a mom?
I'm sure this will be a more important question once I have more years under my belt.  But I wish I had spend more of my young adulthood preparing (economically) for my family so that I wouldn't feel the same kind of tension right now between providing for them economically and providing for them emotionally/spiritually/ mentally.

2.    Why did you choose to be with my father?
This is pretty easy.  J is the smartest man who has ever been interested in me.  I'm a sucker for a nerd.

3.    In what ways do you think I’m like you?
Loo is unfocused and lazy, which is also my default personality.  My ability to succeed has been entirely a function of my ambition.  Strip away the ambition, there is nothing I love more than a warm TV and a basket full of brownies.  Kali is aggressive, which I think is the toddler expression of ambition.  So Loo and Kali are the Yin and Yang of my personality.

4.    Which one of us kids did you like the best?
As Metrodad has said, whichever one isn't pissing me off at any given moment.

5.    Is there anything you regret not having asked your parents?
My mom and I have have a very weird, and yet very typical Chinese mother-daughter relationship.  She has been a very pure source of steadfast guidance and support my entire life.  She has been a fount of good advice about the most difficult situations.  But she's also devastatingly critical.  I've never felt that I've been able to do even one thing right by her standards, which then means that we've never been able to share things beyond a fairly superficial level. 

6.    Is there anything that you wish had been different between us — or that you would still like to change?
I want desperately to stop equating status with a good life.  I think I do this a lot.  And status is not just money, but also intelligence, education, and even liberalism.  And mostly I want to figure out a way so that my daughters can distinguish between the desire for status and what it takes to have a good life.  I think right now, I'm imparting too much of my desire for status onto my daughters.

7.    When did you realize you were no longer a child?
For me, this had nothing to do w/ being a mother.  I knew I  wasn't a child when I stopped being a drama queen.  Which probably happened at around 28/29.  I stopped acting like a petulant child whenever things didn't go my way, and I stopped thinking that the world owed me anything.  Interestingly, I would also say that this was the moment I turned into my mom.

For all you mother's out there who do take Mother's Day seriously, I hope you had a very lovely Mother's Day and that you were all able to fully bask in the love of your children.

MIA and other fun facts...

Qu'est-ce que c'est?  Un blague?

I have a very difficult final coming up in 2 1/2 weeks.  I'm several weeks behind in classwork, J is going through his own finals (and grading) and Kali has a raging case of the terrible 2s.

I'll be back soon, mon amis.  Don't miss me too much.

Life in a Nutshell...

I am:

@Work: Working on an acquisition.  Let's hope it doesn't die like all my other deals this year.

@School: Trying to stay caught up in my kick-my-butt hard LLM class. (Yes, you heard that right, ladies and gentlemen, I am taking a LLM class because my lawyer-li-ness don't suck enuf as it is.)

@Home: Working very hard at not losing my temper at my girls.  (Loo, almost 5, seems to have decided to revert to terrible 2s so as to keep her sister company.  Tho, last night, just before they fell asleep, Loo called out in the darkness, "Kali?  I lub you... sweet dreams.")

@Fun: Reading the AIG annual report.  Hahaha, j/k.  No, srsly, I am.  This is a good article from Joe Nocera @NYT that summarizes the gigantic suckage noise of AIG.

@Personal Finance: Saved and scrimped and finally had enough to buy me a MacBook.  Which will be in my hot greedy hands tonight (hopefully).  My old and faithful finally quit on me, but I had more or less been expecting it and have religiously been saving my work on my backup hard-drive.  Still, even being one day laptop-less has been annoying, as I've had to borrow my next door neighbors ancient Gateway for the last 2 nights, boy, is that thing s...l...o...w...  Hubs has a computer too, but it is an internetz free computer (he's hiding from big brother, srsly, tinfoil hat crew).  I got a discount through J's school, and the firm will cover about 1/2 of the remaining amount.  So I only had to pay about $500 of my own moolah.  Woohoo!  I rawk.  I'm a bit nervous about goin' Mac (tho I was an all mac-girl in the late80s/early90s).  I hear there is an adjustment period, hopefully I won't be driven insane.

@Exercise:  ¿Qué?

Celebration!!

To show y'all that it's not all gloom and doom at the casa de we-hate-Geithner (aw, c'mon Timmay, y'know I'm just kiddin'), I have some very happy news.  J has just finished his contract renewal/promotion consideration process and is now officially tenure tracked at his University.  Given the many years that J has spent toiling at his advance degrees and the many less-than-perfect employment situations since (accompanied by many less-than-perfect living situations for us as a family), this really feels like a GIGANTIC step in the right direction.  I'm so totally psyched for J, but srsly, the stress of this review has made our life hell this past year. It's nice to be able to get a little reprieve.

It also means that I could quit my job tomorrow if I had to (or, more to the point, I'm not so desperately scared of losing my job tomorrow... or Friday, as the case may be).  Which, on some level, I'm sorely tempted to.  Except then I would spend 24 hours of the day on my computer obsessing about the economy.  Which cannot be healthy. 

Because then I'd be all this:

 

When I'd rather be doing the happy dance!