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January 16, 2008

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Mama Nabi

(I'm SO not qualified to even offer my 2 cents here... but) This post reminds me of what my 'divorce class' instructor said - that money is number one reason why many marriage spiral down.
One thing I realize now that I'm where I am is that, for me, the turning point was when I rarely even had the motivation to continue the same fight over and over again... realizing that we were both saying the same things. (Of course, I'm dealing with at least three reasons from #4 so that does add to the fact that someone's alcohol-addled mind forgets that we already had this conversation.)
Now, I don't want to save my marriage any more - but in retrospect, when I did, I should have insisted on counseling. Shoulda, coulda, woulda... although, PN would have refused to go back then. Also, he has a friend who's, by court order, going to counseling and anger management (he pulled a loaded gun on his wife - yeah, nice friends he has) - and they sit around and mock the whole process as this friend is only going to appease his wife who can easily send him to prison by making one phone call. He's been talking about divorcing her as soon as he's done with probation.
Sorry about the digression... I do remember at the beginning, I would downplay stuff that was going on, I didn't let on to the blogosphere how bad the alcohol problem was... everyone is different when it comes to what they reveal. Once I started to air stuff out, one of the things I thought I should do was to give him a chance to prove himself on our trip to Korea - which he did, just not the right direction.
So. Academics are strange creatures... they do see things differently. Is tenure track a near-future option? Are you hoping that somethings will change once he's on tenure track and that pressure has been lifted? What if nothing changes? Is he appreciative of the fact that you work exceptionally hard at a job you don't love so that he may do what he loves?
Not to be an alarmist but when I hear 'no motivation', I do think about what it meant to me...
(Sorry - you offer precise suggestions to me and here I am offering one of my rambles... And I am truly sorry that you're having to work so hard that you don't even get to see your girls as much as you'd like...)

corrie

Hi~ I came over from 'i am bossy'... congratulations on finding her slippers!

I read around your blog and was moved by this wail...

Please remember that you and J are at THE MOST STRESSFUL POINT IN YOUR MARRIAGE!!! Keep that in mind, that you and he are working hard, really really hard. You have young children and only wish for the absolute best for them; which makes you work harder, feel more guilty about every last little shortcoming as a parent, and worried about the future.

Please take care of you enough that you can be present for your family, with patience and love. That is the best you can do. J has his shortcomings, as do you. Everyone's shortcomings are exaserbated and emphasized in stressful times, so try to step back and keep perspective. Divorce will always be an option. But never does divorce help the financial strain.

Take heart~ Take a breath~ and Take a soothing shower.... You are doing your best and things will improve :) corrie

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