WONKESS

Wow...

Really, words escape me.

H/T the wonderful Julie Pippert

Yasmin Says:

I have no friggin' clue who Yasmin is, but this shitz hillarious (I've highlighted my favorites):

Random Thoughts From People Our Age

1. -I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. -I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. -That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. -I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. -There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. -Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. - I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
17. - A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. - Was learning cursive really necessary?
19. - Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
20. - I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. - Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
22. - My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
23. - Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
24. - How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
25. - I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
26. - Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
27. -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
28. - While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
29. - MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
30. - Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
31. - I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
32. -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
33. - I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”
34. -I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
35. - Bad decisions make good stories
36. -Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
37. - Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
38. -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
39. -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
40. -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
41. -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
42. -There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
43. -I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
44. - “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
45. -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
46. -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
47. - I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
48. -When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
49. -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
50. -Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
51. - As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
52. -Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
53. -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
54. -I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
55. -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
56. -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
57. -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
58. -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
59. -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
60. -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
61. -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

All Hail Friggin' Octavia...

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

The Google Opt-Out Village...

It wouldn't be funny if it weren't so true.

A Word to Pres. Obama...

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
That's Great Now Fix the Economy
thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

Margaritaville...

Srsly, funniest South Park episode EVER!

Watch it, you can thank me later.

Random Racist Comment of the Day

(at a random party, talking to a Random Person I Don't Know)

Me: It was nice to see T (Asian-American friend).  He almost didn't come because his wife is really pregnant, and due any moment now. 

RPIDK: Who's T?

Me: The Asian-American guy, sitting at the table with K?

RPIDK: Oh, that guy.  You know what's funny.  I just found out about his wife.  I'm such a racist, I spent the whole party assuming that he was married to B (Asian-American woman also at the party). 

Me: Yeah, well guess what?  I'm not married to him either.

Is it fun being a Billionaire...

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Absolutely brilliant.  To all of the jokers out there who indiscriminately bandy about the cult of personal responsibility, where exactly where you when the world was extolling the virtues of an ownership society?  Consider your own participation.  And how much did you chide the slackers who were renting, not investing, warning them that they were jeopardizing their future. 

Yeah, f#$& you.

And How Do You Explain Zombies?

More here.

There's an episode of Friends where Phoebe tells the gang (including Ross, the paleontologist) that she doesn't believe in Evolution.  Finally, after much goading by Ross, she turns the table and demands that he tell her, in spite of all his supposed "openness" as a scientist to new ideas and new evidence, that there is absolutely, positively not even the remotest possibility that evolution is not how humans came to be.

He sheepishly admits that the possibility exists.

So I get it.  I get that scientists can be a little smug, with their data and evidence that is so iron-clad and convincing until it gets utterly disproven.  I understand that we might want to be a little more introspective teaching science and admit that evolution is just a theory.  A theory that is fairly well supported, but still a theory, and disprovable (assuming we find such evidence).

But what I don't get is the other side.  From my understanding, the entire "science" behind creationism is that humans are so complex that there must have been an intelligent hand involved.

Well, I could also argue that since anything has a one in a billion (or trillion or googilian) chance of happening, there could have been some crazy ass aliens that came here and either left a few of their dumbasses behind or left just enough spare parts to create the human race. 

Awesome.  Let's teach my theory in public school!

We are all Barnyard Animals Now...

Your inactivity is criminal, porcine gastropod…  Go back to Oklahoma! (From Rolcats)